Choosing a demolition cat is a major decision, and we would like to help. Not by lowering our prices, but by giving you a checklist, which we have not printed, because the printer is also a target.
Question one: Can they demonstrate the Pause?
A good demolition cat will pause before every action. If your candidate pushes without hesitation, they are an amateur, and you will be left with a tidy shelf and a bad feeling.
Question two: Do they own an alibi?
Ask to see the Alibi Wash. The best candidates will perform it unprompted, with one paw behind the ear and a look of deep innocence. If they cannot wash convincingly, send them home.
Question three: What is their range?
Some cats can reach only the lower shelf. Some can reach the mantelpiece. A few can reach the top of the bookcase, where the good china lives. Ask for a reference. A genuine professional will have a record of destruction at three heights.
Question four: How do they handle liquids?
Liquid work requires special skill. A glass of water must be moved by degrees to the edge, and turned slightly to catch the light. A cup of coffee must be left alone until the owner is on the phone. Ask the candidate to describe the process. If the candidate falls asleep, they are an expert.
Question five: Are they insured?
Our own staff are covered by our Premium Paid in Fish policy. If your candidate is not, ask for a deposit, in tuna.
Question six: Do they leave a mess or a story?
The best demolition leaves a story. The worst leaves only a mess. Look for a cat who knows the difference.
Question seven: Will they clean up?
They will not. If a candidate says they will, they are lying, and you should hire them for their honesty.
Question eight: What do their eyes say?
Look into the candidate’s eyes. If you see a spark of mild interest in the glass beside you, you have found your hire. If you see nothing at all, you have found Nudge.
Summary
- Hire for patience.
- Hire for deniability.
- Hire for a calm, steady paw.
Thank you for considering Edge of Table Demolition. We look forward to working with you, from a respectful distance, and to the sound of something falling in the next room.