TO: Directors and senior foremen
FROM: Gravity Mittens, Managing Director
SUBJECT: Where the value lies
Colleagues, I have reviewed our quarterly figures and found them to be, as always, entirely downward. This is as it should be. However, I have noticed a worrying trend in the way we describe our own work.
The problem
Several staff have started saying that “the fall is the product”. This is wrong. The fall is a moment. A moment is not a product. A moment cannot be invoiced.
The product is the story afterwards. The product is the look on the client’s face. The product is the long, slow pan from the shattered object to the cat, who is sitting somewhere else, looking at a wall.
Revised mission
From this quarter, our mission statement will read:
- We create consequences.
- We deliver them quietly.
- We leave before the paperwork.
Operational changes
- Foremen are asked to improve their Alibi Wash by at least ten percent.
- The Pause will be held for a minimum of four seconds on all fragile jobs.
- All staff will attend a refresher session on the distinction between “nudging” and “flinging”. Flinging is for amateurs.
Concerns raised by staff
Nudge asked whether he could continue to use the boardroom table. I said yes, on condition that the pen pot is removed from the edge. He said he would, and did not, and the pen pot is now on the floor.
Another member of staff asked whether we should offer clients a receipt for each demolition. I told him that a receipt is a record, and records are bad for business.
Looking ahead
I am pleased to report that bookings for the coming quarter are strong. Demand for Total Collapse is up by a third, mostly from clients who have just bought new glassware.
“We do not break things. We reveal how breakable they were.”
I trust we are all clear. Please do not reply to this memo. I will not read it, and the last reply is still on the floor.