Our Premium Paid in Fish policy has been described as “confusing”, “unusual”, and “not a policy”. We therefore offer this plain English summary, which is plainer in some places than in others.
What is covered
Under the Gold Standard plan, our insurance covers:
- Breakage of any object that was within reach of a cat.
- Loss of any object that fell behind a radiator.
- Emotional distress to a plant.
- Accidental discovery of a previous accident.
What is not covered
Your policy does not cover:
- Anything that was your fault.
- Anything that was not your fault but happened in front of you.
- Anything involving the phrase “I told you so”.
How to claim
Claims should be submitted by placing a fish on the doorstep and waiting. The fish is the claim form. The doorstep is the post office. If the fish is returned, your claim is denied. If the fish is eaten, your claim is under review. If the fish is eaten and the cat is looking at you, your claim is approved and your sofa is now a business expense.
The excess
The excess is the amount you pay before the policy takes effect. In our case, the excess is one tin of tuna, one portion of cheese, and a signed statement of regret.
Our claims team
The claims team is led by Gravity Mittens, who has never refused a claim and has never paid one. She says the system works because it never needs to move.
Case example
A customer in the north of the city wrote to say that her vase had been knocked from a shelf. The vase was an heirloom, valued at a considerable sum. We reviewed the claim and noted that vases are built for falling, and that this one had done its job.
Final word
We are not a regulated financial provider and nothing here is advice. We are four cats and a ledger, and the ledger is also a bed.